In the morning, as W/we lay together, i felt a slight sense of detachment from SG (for want of a better word). Wearing my collar and my cuffs at night, when He stays, is a ritual that helps to embed my submission, and it had gone amiss (not for the first time too), so it didn't feel right. i know i've written about this before and at that time, SG had told me to wake Him up in future. So i guess it was my problem for not doing that this time, but at the same time, i see it as being more of His duty towards me, however tired He may be, to ensure rules and rituals are kept up. i've also written recently about not wearing my collar as much as i should, so i'm well aware that i've been lapsing in my compliance.
So there was a lot of conflict going on in my head. Seeing this in my face and sensing that all was not right, SG asked me what was wrong. With some difficulty, i expressed how i hadn't been feeling as submissive as i should. Then followed the fall-out from my frustration: having experienced such intensity from our scene, it had felt like part of it had been diluted by His 'forgetfulness' to apply my collar and chains afterwards. What i was saying was that, in my mind, it should have been my Dom's 'right thing to do' before W/we slept.
On hearing this, SG reiterated the point that He had been extremely tired and He had not been thinking coherently. He reminded me of the fact that, after last time, i should have woken Him up and He would have seen to it. He told me He wouldn't have been angry, as my defence was that He would be, if i were to wake Him. So i should remember that. After all, He is only human (which i shouldn't ever forget).
He held me in His arms and asked me if there was anything else i wanted to talk about. i mentioned the fact that i was struggling with the balance between our vanilla and O/our D/s life. i had been craving feeling more submissive to Him, being helpless and feeling His control. i know it's difficult as W/we do have our own lives. W/we don't live together and are not 24/7. W/we also have a vanilla world to live in as boyfriend and girlfriend. As well as to each O/other, W/we are lovers and soul mates. Getting all of that to come together is not an easy thing. i know i've read about this so many times on other blogs. It's not unique to U/us and it's something W/we have to work at. It also shouldn't be forgotten that W/we've been together for only a year, and in the grand scheme of BDSM and D/s, it's a very short length of time. But when i look at how far W/we've come already (excuse the pun), it's been an amazing journey and one that should never be taken for granted.
SG told me to think about my needs and my wants - what can He give me and what can He do, to help me in my submission. In saying that, it came with those familiar words of His: "Be careful what you wish for". i gave it some thought and came up with the following (for now):
i need to feel more owned. i need to feel His control more, both mentally and physically. i want to kneel at His feet more often. i enjoy the feeling of being 'used' - by that i mean for Him to take His pleasure from me, without getting any in return for myself. (Similarly, being kept hooded and muzzled while He takes me now feels so good and right). i also need pain. i am a masochist - there's no getting away from that - and i've come to realise that i need pain on a more regular basis, not just as punishment.
i also think i need some more rules, discipline and challenges that will enable me to grow. i feel like i've been 'getting away with things' (a point with which SG totally agreed – He calls it my 'brattiness'). But it's not a one-way street (and never should be), because all of this will help SG to grow in His Dominance and allow Him to find out more of what He needs and wants - which i believe should come first.
SG's response? He said He can certainly be stricter with me. He can administer more pain and said that, from now on, i'll be getting regular spankings over His knee each time He locks me in my collar. In response to my want of being 'used', He said He has difficulty in taking just what He wants, as He loves to see and hear me come for Him. As i mentioned earlier, He makes it His priority in most of our scenes. He said He could never be a Dom who was all out for Himself – the type who would take only what He wanted from His submissive and then 'fuck off' until the next time. i am sure there are those that do that out there, but SG wants His pup to satisfy her needs and wants, almost as much as Him. It all comes down to His love for me and again, being human.
He's also going to think about more rules too. Oh, and He's already set me a challenge for this week: to 'christen' the toilets near my new desk (i recently changed my job - same building, but in a different area). So my task is to play with myself, wearing my collar, and to take photos for Him. There are extra points(!) on offer if i also take a photo of my exposed breasts when i'm in the lift! If i comply, my reward will be lots of free play cards (i.e. i can play with myself whenever i like, and not ask for permission to come).
Maybe i shouldn't have said anything, but that would have been wrong... and i'm glad i did speak up. Communication is everything. Doms aren’t mind readers, they need feedback. So in time you'll be able to read about these changes, which should make for a more submissive (and obedient!) puppy - and an interesting read, i hope.
(Now i'd better go and get my collar on, hadn't i?!)