SG recently gave me an instruction - this is what He asked of me:
“I want you to write a blog post on what it means to be a masochist and why you feel the need for pain. I’d like to understand more.”
So here's my response:
i know that within this lifestyle, pain – in the physical sense - isn’t for everyone. Some people cannot understand the need for it and find it difficult to believe that it can actually be a good feeling. i can see both sides of the story.
In fact, back in the day before i discovered quite how kinky i was, i also would have said i couldn’t get my head around masochists within BDSM and D/s relationships. Why would people want to hurt those they love? i thought it was rather odd and something that didn’t appeal or turn me on.
Somewhere since then, i have to admit that my views have changed and my need for a certain level of pain grows stronger. my interest may have started from a previous vanilla relationship with very subtle BDSM undertones, from experiencing some mild spanking. i guess that may have triggered something within me.
More recently, remembering back to last year, and well documented in previous posts, i put myself through quite an intense amount of pain. Even now, i still don’t know quite how i got there or why i went there, but i did. Maybe i thought i had something to prove, maybe i wanted to find out my pain threshold and limits were and also just to see what i was missing. Looking back over some of the images of my body, i find it hard to believe that was me. The irony is that i find it hard to look at some of them, because they actually scare me. It was a challenge i found myself up against and an experience i shall probably never forget.
That time made me realise how pain could be mixed with pleasure - how the two can be combined to give such an adrenaline rush, a thrill and sweet release. It allows you to let go of yourself and become lost in deeper submission. Pain gives way to pleasure, twisted as it sounds, it’s true. It also heightens pleasure so it becomes a never-ending circle. Knowing what it can do, the power that it holds makes you crave it more. It’s addictive and it certainly hooked me in for a time. After each session, i found myself wondering if i would be able to take another dose, maybe at a higher level, and somehow i went back for more and surprised myself in doing so.
Knowing what I went through then, i realise now that i never want to feel that level of pain again. It was exciting and intense, but so very scary too. As much as i am a submissive, i would like to think i know what my limits are. True, it's good to push and stretch them - we do need some challenges in life. Back then, maybe i didn’t know and was placing a hell of a lot of trust in Another. i know now i was definitely pushed to an extraordinary level – one that i have no wish to go back to.
Since meeting SG, i know that He didn’t much care for inflicting pain. It wasn’t His thing. He began to read my blog before we met for real, so i know He was aware of what i had been through. We’ve had countless conversations about my experiences and He told me He didn’t understand pain. He wanted to give me pleasure.
When i became His submissive, SG began to “sample” my riding crop, using it lightly on my bottom and thighs. i realised that He enjoyed it because i enjoyed it, so it made Him happy. He had found a new string to His bow. With subsequent play sessions, He has been keen to use the crop more frequently and each time i have felt a slight increase in force and length of time He applies it to my bottom.
Maybe in time, He will want to step things up and enjoy marking my bottom even more. A new purchase is on its way to help with that and may, oops i mean will, feature within a future post. There’s a part of me inside that is excited by this prospect. Fundamentally, i also know that He would never want to cross that line and cause me any serious damage or any degree of pain i couldn’t handle. He is gradually finding out what else He enjoys doing to His pup.
So far, it’s been an awesome journey and i know i can trust Him because He’s my Master.
i hope this post pleases You Sir
~ Your pup